Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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