I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just want nice things and good sex
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
