Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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