I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
