I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
