I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
