im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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