My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
