I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
