So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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