Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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