Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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