Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
