You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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