You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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