i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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