I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
