biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
