Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
