they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He passed out mid-signature
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
