when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
