I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
