I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
