I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
