dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
