never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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