so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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