Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Too much gin, very little bucket
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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