my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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