If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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