I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.