I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
3pm strippers are depressing
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.