I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.