i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
