Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
