i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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