he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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