God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize