You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
