look no pants
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
