Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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