We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
