I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
