The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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