I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
