u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
