I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
