Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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