My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
