I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i out mim tonsoeep
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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