Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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