the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
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When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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