I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
