Can i not drive my cunt home
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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