if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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