It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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