god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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