Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
