Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
