I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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