Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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